Second Time Around
“I thought raising a child was the hardest thing I ever did in my life. Until I had two of them!”
Returning full-time to the classroom last year as a mother of one and a novice blogger thinking I could do it all, was an overly ambitious challenge to undertake to say the least. Each front obviously presented their separate obstacles and occasionally converged into just plain overwhelming me. At work, we began late following a category 4 hurricane and a mostly virtual year prior, of which I was on hiatus. At home, Jovi began her much anticipated return to the classroom as a Second grader following her full virtual First grade year coupled with weeks of storm displacement. We pushed through, filing in the gaps where we could, learning from every setback and taking our wins as they came. Then, just as the 2021 -2022 school year was in it’s homestretch, I was confronted with the arrival of a new challenge on the home front. I found out at the end of February that I was expecting baby number two!
My initial reaction was shock and surprise! This may not be my first time at this particular rodeo, but it has been eight solid years since I punched that ticket. Needless to say elevated anxiety quickly followed along with excitement and an abundance of overflowing joy. Small memories of breastfeeding challenges and choices came flooding back joined by new frontier inquires about circumcision after learning my little blessing was a BOY! However, the major worry I grapple with, as we get closer to my October due date, is simply being enough. As a single parent, in this now changing long-established only child dynamic of it being Jovi and I against the world, how do I make space to include this new little one? how will it affect my relationship with Jovi both negatively and positively? and the question as parents we always feel guilty for asking…how do I leave room for ME?
They say the hardest transition to make as a parent is going from one child to two, because all these questions and worries are shared when an only child becomes a sibling, and the attention and responsibilities as a parent are multiplied. So, being who I am, I researched and called upon my village for some suggestions from those already braving these uncharted waters in order to be better prepared and navigate through. Here’s what I’ve learned so far:
Verbalize and Validate
- It has always been important to me to create a culture with Jovi where we communicate openly, and honestly about all things. We are no strangers to difficult conversations and I will continue to be a safe space to both allow her to verbalize her feelings and needs as well as validating her POV. My goal is to continue trying to come together to create solutions to problems that arise that we both feel satisfied with over the years. The foundation of our communication always being that there is nothing she can say to me that won’t be received, that I could love her any less for, or that I would not have her back through!
Be intentional With Time & Inclusion
- In just two short months, I will be welcoming a baby boy where as previously I have been exclusively an only child girl mom. Jovi and I would conscientiously take time to have mommy/daughter dates. We went to the movies, lunch, shopping, nail salon, etc. The point being to have a space that is only for us to bond, to share, and to grow. Though now I will have to be mindful and much more intentional about carving out time for just mommy and daughter, just mommy and son, and just time for mommy, as well as the time we’ll all spend together. From the beginning of my pregnancy, I have stressed to Jovi that WE are having a baby! Though the responsibility is mine and his father’s as parents, she will play an important role as his big sister and I will occasionally need her help. She is so far thrilled at the idea that she will get to aid us in holding him, feeding him, bathing him, and teaching him new things. She has also adamantly declined any assistance in the area of diaper changing!
Remember Grace
- The “every parent struggle” of giving yourself grace to be human and flawed is widely shared. I am constantly reminding myself that I will not be EVERYTHING for EVERYONE on EVERY DAY and that’s OK! I have to mentally give myself this permission and forgiveness to still be an individual person on my own growth journey while guiding and raising others. This is no small feat but so necessary for surviving the pressure and embracing the adventure. I am sure by multiplying my kiddos I will also be multiplying the consistency in which I need to offer myself parental grace.
Continue To Consult & Rearrange Your Village
- Speaking of shared struggles and adventures, there is nothing like another mom in similar shoes saying, “Whew, chile I hear you!” and “You know what helps me is this.” The same safe space to verbalize and feel validated that I seek to provide for my children is also a comforting space we as parents should be seeking for ourselves as well. My current village includes new moms, vet moms, moms of single and multiple children, and my therapist who is also a mom! This year I am seeking to expand Jovi’s village, at her request, to include a play therapist as another outlet for her safe space communication. Your village should contain as many people as possible that can identify with your personal challenges. As a parent, I have to recognize that her experience as a child of divorce and a sibling through blended family is vastly different than mine and there may be somethings I simply don’t feel as she feels.
Obviously throughout time, all parents relationships with their children experience some dynamic shift whether it be growing pains, differing communications styles, changes in family structure, and beyond, relationships are in a constant ebb and flow pattern. I think, for me, keeping these pieces of advice at the forefront of my mind will offer some focus for addressing issues as they arise and comfort as doubts persist. Plus, there are some benefits this round. I will be more relaxed as routines get established, and my parenting muscle memory kicks in. I will correct things I look back on as a first time parent by trying to do them differently, and will trust the knowledge through experience I have acquired along the way. Hope this helps if you too are parenting for the second time around!